I have a recurring dream… I am back in college and I go back to my dorm room to find complete strangers there. Where are my best friends Woody, Bill, Steve, Tom and Ed with whom I shared four wonderful years playing poker late into the night instead of studying for exams, debating politics over stale beer and pizza, road-tripping to an all-female college to DJ at dance parties? They are nowhere to be found.  

In my dream I am my age today (62) surrounded by other students in their late teens and early twenties. Why am I here? I had graduated over 40 years ago and I am back in school again? I’ve been there/done that. What is there for me to learn this time around? I feel lonely and lost, desperate to find someone whom I recognize, someone that I can call a friend.

At this point I typically wake up in a panic, followed by a wave of relief and joy with the realization that this is just a dream. Thank goodness my real life is filled with people whom I love and love me in return. I am not alone in this world to fend for myself without anyone to cover my back. I have a small circle of close friends with whom I can share my greatest joys, my deepest disappointments, my treasured hobbies and recreations. We have vacationed together every year for the past 35 years.

Nevertheless a few months will go by and I will have this dream again. My wife Tonia suggests that perhaps imbedded in this dream there is a lesson, something that I have not yet learned which is why it keeps coming back. I take her advice to heart and do some self-reflection.

Underpinning this dream is a deep-seated fear of losing what is the most valuable to me in my life, my dearest friends. I have always known that friendships can deteriorate over time with neglect. Therefore I make a special effort to stay in touch either physically, verbally or via text/email messages. Shared experiences are essential in maintaining the bonds of friendship.

So what would it take to break these bonds that have been forged over decades of friendship? The withholding of love, compassion or sacrifice due to selfishness or self-preservation.

I have been blessed with the good fortune of living in a rich country during a period of peace and prosperity with the benefits of a good education and rewarding career. My friends and I have never had to confront the challenges of poverty, ill health or debilitating misfortune. In one of my favorite movies The Big Chill, a chill always goes up my spine when the character Nick exclaims to his best friends from college:

“Wrong, a long time ago we knew each other for a short period of time; you don’t know anything about me. It was easy back then. No one had a cushier berth than we did. It’s not surprising our friendship could survive that. It’s only out there in the real world that it gets tough.”

What if the real world that my friends and I had met was not the United States but a developing country in which we had to fight for precious resources to survive or to advance? How might we have behaved with one another then? Would we be able to lean on each other in times of desperation and suffering?

People who have been convicted, faced social ostracism or encountered crippling disabilities have said that during those difficult periods you find out who your true friends are. My close friendships have never been put to such tests and I hope they never will. However, the question remains: will I be there to assist my friends if it puts me and my family in jeopardy?

I would like to think so, but to be honest I don’t really know until I am actually in that situation. Perhaps not knowing is what haunts me which is the lesson behind this recurring dream. If I don’t know how I would behave as a friend in the face of danger and peril, then I need to experience what it feels like to be totally alone in the world. Feeling that pain of isolation will hopefully fill me with courage to act as the true friend that I would like to think I am.

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 Michael is the Founder and President of Fung Capital, a venture capital firm investing in early-stage technology companies. He has been married to his best friend Tonia for 33 years and father to two wonderful children, Karina and Mason. Most recently Michael co-founded Roses in Concrete, a public charter school serving primarily students of color in East Oakland. He and his wife started Karma Pictures, a media company developing feature films telling Asian American stories. He served on non-profit boards such as Center for Asian American Media, Head Royce School, and Center for the Pacific Rim at USF. Michael has a B.A degree from Harvard College and an MBA degree from Harvard Business School.

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BOSOM FRIEND

The Webster Dictionary’s definition of “bosom friend” is “intimate or confidential friend.”

The Oxford English Dictionary’s definition is “A very close or intimate friend.”

The Cambridge English Dictionary’s definition is “a friend that you like a lot and have a very close relationship with.”

The Urban Dictionary defines the term as “An intimate friend; a really kindred spirit to whom you can confide your inmost soul. Very hard to find.”

I like the last one.

An English-Chinese Dictionary would usually translate it as “知心朋友” (zhī xīn péng yǒu), which back translates literally as “a friend who knows your heart.”

Just as in English, where there is more than one way to describe  a bosom friend, e.g. “kindred spirit”, or “soul mate”, etc., in Chinese there are also several terms that express the same meaning as “知心朋友”.

“知心朋友” is an expression used in spoken (vernacular) Chinese. In classical Chinese, the Chinese used in ancient times for written works, expressions were abbreviated to their bare minimum, because paper hadn’t been invented, written works had to be carved on bamboo slips. That means a lot of carving and a lot of bamboo, plus the space to store these works. The classical Chinese phrase for “知心朋友” would become “知友” (zhī yǒu), omitting the two middle characters; “知交” （zhī jiāo）, replacing “友” (friend) with “交” (association, relationship); or “至交” (zhì jiāo), replacing “知” (know) with “至” (extreme, utmost), note the same spelling of “知” and “至”, but different intonation).

There is another, I think, more elegant expression in classical Chinese for describing a special friendship — “知音” （zhī yīn）, a friend appreciative of one’s music.

And there’s a story behind it. This happened during the Spring and Autumn Period (770-476 B.C.E.). Yú Bóyá (俞伯牙), a qín (ancient Chinese zither) player, was playing his instrument. Zhōng Zǐqī (鍾子期), a woodcutter returning from work, heard Boya playing, and remarked that Boya’s tune was “lofty as the towering mountains”. Then Boya changed his tune, and Ziqi remarked that his music was “magnificent as the flowing waters.” Whatever Boya played, Ziqi would grasp the former’s feelings. They became “知音” （zhī yīn） (a friend appreciative of one’s music). When Ziqi died, Boya felt that no one else could understand his music, so he broke his qin and cut the strings, and never played again. Thus the term zhi yin has been carried forward till this day.

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Billy’s Comments: Harry is my cousin-in-law , married to my cousin Yihua Li. He is one of the most interesting persons to talk to – full of passion and has deep knowledge in both Eastern and Western Cultures.

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Louis Chan is one of the most loyal FF Fraternity Brothers that I hold dearly. Louis and Ivy are residents in the beautiful city of San Francisco.  They have been married for 43 happy years, and have a son and a daughter.  Now retired, their days are filled with volunteer work, and reading up on history and literature. They also have a passion for traveling, a curiosity to learn about other places, and enjoy immersing in different ways of life. But most significantly they consciously try to extend, expand, and nurture FF Friendship and Bonding whenever possible – taking advantage of special locations on unique occasions.

In 1984 he traveled to HongKong to attend a FF Reunion where he reunited with manyformer Montreal FF Brothers. Bro. Louis graduated from McGill University in Montreal.

In 1992, Louis visited Bro. Billy Lee and Sister Lucille in Rome, Italy. A special memory was touring the Vatican with Sister Lucille and actually saw The Pope – John Paul II.

In 2009, they visited Istanbul, Turkey, and met up with Bro. Bill Chen and Sister Sandra.Bro. Bill treated them to a sumptuous dinner at the festive Taksim Square.

In 2014, they traveled to Shanghai to celebrate the establishment of FF’s Shanghai Lodge. They participated in a post FF Reunion tour, saw Bro. I.M.Pei-designed museum in  Suzhou, and the famous Leifeng Tower in Hangzhou.

In November 2015, they made a trip to India, with Sister Ancilla Kwok and her friend, Rosemarie Chung. Highlights were the Taj Mahai Jama Masjid Mosque, in Delhi, and the Amber Fort in Jaipur and the magnificent Temple of Khajuraho.

New Years Eve 2017, FF Reunion in HongHong again. A Post Reunion tour of Guangzhou was enjoyed together with a number of Brothers, Sisters, and Friends, including Bros. Audie Chang from S.F. and Patrick Yau from NYC. A boat ride along Pearl River was most memorable. BTW, they visited Aiqun Hotel, the tallest Building in 1937 – designed by Louis’ uncle Wing Chan, also a FF Brother 1929.

April 2018, a stop over in Shanghai again and met up with the young but dynamic FF Shanghai Lodge. Visited Hangzhou again and met up with Bro. David Guo and Sister Lan. The Guos showed them Nine Creeks Smoke Trees and the famous Long Jing Tea Center.

November 2019, last day in Chengdu, they learned from Bro. Billy’s email that Bro. Mike Shiu and Sister Jean lived there. Immediately contact was made and they had a wonderful get together.

Later that year 2019, they visited Tianjin and FF Founding Bro. Wellington Koo’s Home at 267 Hebei Road in the historic “ 5 Great Avenue District : built in 1927. That was an incredible FF Moment for Louis, indeed.

I learn from Louis that in a Fraternity or Friendship organization, the more one reaches out to the other members and share positive experiences together the deeper and more meaningful bonding one receives in return. Traveling has made Louis a much more interesting conversationist, and history when made relevant adds magic to realization. Also, photography really helps in recording happy moments and telling good stories.

Below are a few of Bro.Louis’ photos:

Top:  FF.Group in front of Leifeng Tower, Hangzhou – Louis with Billy in Rome, Italy – Louis with Bill and Sandra Chen in Istanbul

Middle: Louis at Bro. Wellington Koo’s Tianjin home – Cruise on the Pearl River, Guangzhou – Louis and Ivy with Mike and Jean Shiu, in Chengdu

Bottom: One of Brother Louis and Sister Ivy’s favorite photos in Europe

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As an Architect, I learned from I.M.Pei that Design Concept provides theUnderlying Spirit, but as Mies said “ God (or Beauty) is in the Details ( HOW it is actually constructed or articulated ).  An article In N.Y.Times’, Smarter Living section by Anna Goldfarb, wrote about “How to Reach Out to A Friend Who Is Having a Difficult Time”. With advice from esteemed psychologists and psychiatrists, she wrote about HOW to choose the right time and moment to capture the best effects, HOW to cultivate the right atmosphere and mind-set so that the Friend will feel comfortable opening up, and what words and tunes to employ to achieve some success.

There is lots of truth and wisdom here.

I Believe…
That just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do love each other.

I Believe…
That we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I Believe….
That no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe….
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I Believe….
That it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe…
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe….
That you can keep going long after you think you can’t.

I Believe….
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe…
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe…
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe….
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time

I Believe….
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be
the ones to help you get back up.

I Believe…
That sometimes when I’m angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe….
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had, what you’ve learned from them and less to do with  how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I Believe…..
That it isn’t always enough, to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe…
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I Believe….
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe….
Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe…
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you.

I Believe…
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you –
you will find the strength to help.

I Believe…
That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe…
That you should send this to all of the people who you believe in, I just did.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything;
They just make the most of everything they have.

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