FOUR–GENERATION INTERNATIONAL FRIENDSHIPS – by Ed Nef- May 2020

May 4, 2020May 4, 2020 ~ Billy

Ed Nef – Billy Lee’s 70+year-long friend from Phillips Andover

Author of “Life Out Loud – A Memoir of Countless Adventures and No Regrets” – https://www.goodreads.com/

My father Victor Nef set up a good example for us all as a distinguished diplomat who had served his motherland, Switzerland, throughout his four decades’ career. He helped Switzerland maintain strong friendship with the United States and Canada and others. During World War II, as Swiss Consul General in New York, he was one of the primary commercial contacts between the United States and the Axis Powers. This was an extremely important responsibility since Switzerland was the primary independent neutral country serving as an intermediary between the Allies and the Axis.

In 1959, I followed my father’s footsteps by joining the US diplomatic service as a Foreign Service Officer (FSO) where for the next 25 years it was my responsibility to promote friendship between the United States and various countries with very different political structures. In my nearly seven decades’ career life, I was promoting international friendship in nearly each job I took: from FSO, to Peace Corps official, to language school owner, where my responsibilities always centered around developing friendly relations with citizens of other countries. As a matter of fact, what stimulated me to start a new adventure — producing documentaries — was during my first trip to Vietnam when I was nicely surprised and touched by the sincere willingness of the Vietnamese people, long our fiercest enemy, to reconcile with the United States and to establish friendly relations. To this day I still have many good friends in those countries, such as Mongolia and Vietnam.

All my three daughters have joined me to travel internationally, not only as tourists, but also as project managers/partners, film crew members and so on. Any of these job responsibilities always required a focus on establishing friendly relations with our local hosts and co-workers.

– Christine: traveled to Zambia to build a home for a single mother; to Mongolia to help build my language school.

– Patricia: traveled to Senegal to help me produce a film focusing on how Senegalese women liberated themselves from frequently unhappy circumstances and happily accepted our offers of friendship; she also traveled to Mongolia with her two sons to learn Mongolian culture.

– Stefanie: traveled to Mongolia with me to become acquainted with a foreign culture and befriend local children and adults.

All my four grandchildren have traveled internationally, first with their grandparents and parents, now on their own, to see much of the world and also to learn different cultures and histories. This is how the family legacy of promoting international friendship is being carried on.

Ed’ Parents Mr. & Mrs. Victor Nef – 1920s Mr.Victor Nef was Swiss Consular Officer in the United States

Daughter Stefanie assisting Ed in Mongolia

Nef Family Vacation – Ed & Liz with daughters, son-in-laws & grand children

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FOLLOW UP COMMUNICATION BETWEEN ED AND BILLY:

BILLY: Inspired by What you did. Please elaborate a bit on “WHY” and “HOW”.

NEF: In answering your question regarding “WHY” and “HOW”:

I was raised as someone who appreciates multi-cultural upbringing: a Swiss father, a Polish mother, and American upbringing, and during my lifetime living in seven countries and visiting all seven continents (including Antarctica), in addition to the Arctic.

To me, the story of Arctic explorer Alexander Mackenzie is one of the most touching stories of survival in the Arctic, based upon inter-human relations:
Circa 1790, Mackenzie was returning to his distant ship after all the other crew members had died. He was alone and helpless, and came upon a small rescue hut built by him on his outbound journey, as a possible rescue station for the return. He entered the hut and collapsed, thinking he was going to die very shortly. Maybe as long as a day or so later, as he lay dying, there was a knock on the door. In walked a native person, who happened to be in the area. Both men were bowled over by surprise. Of course the native person immediately set about resuscitating the dying man. As one can imagine, presumably a bond was built between a native person and a Western explorer. I often think of the story when I travel in remote areas. Although I never had such dramatic experiences, I did develop strong friendship with locals and appreciation of how such friendship can be incredibly important.

BILLY: I really admire your Natural Friendliness, your Exploratory Spirit, your Deliberate Efforts to Reach-out Globally, and the Effectiveness in Helping People Where It Counts Most. To be able to relay this spirit to your descendants is especially admirable.

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FRIENDSHIP SIDETRACKED – BY NOT KNOWING OR APPRECIATING OTHER’S DIFFICULT CONDITIONS-SITUATIONS.

April 26, 2020April 26, 2020 ~ Billy

“To promote Cross-cultural Friendship, increasing understanding about people and their difficult conditions can help. My writing – Reflective Thoughts – these days focus on upgrading Understanding. “

By : Bill W.Kwong – Global Educator and Program Consultant – April 2020

BA: Cornell MA: NYU & Stanford / 35+years teaching experience in N.Y.C. and S.F. / Previous Dir. of Global Initiative – Crystal Springs Uplands Sch. – Hillsborough, Ca. / Conducted educational immersive travel experiences since 1991 – mostly Asia – particularly China / Member – 1990 Institute Board of Directors – Promoting Trust and Understanding between U.S. and China

Reflective Thoughts and Stories: Entry #1

Many decisions from China often puzzle those who look at things through American lenses. I find it helpful to share the comparison elaborated below with my colleagues and students when I try to get them to understand why China does what it does.

Geographically, U.S. and China have roughly the same landmass. In terms of population, China has slightly more than 4 times that the U.S. has. In terms of land where you can grow food, U.S. has about 1.5 times that China has. The same landmass has been continuously cultivated for at least 2 to 3 thousand years in China when the land in the U.S. has only been heavily used after the Europeans arrived in the 16^th century.

Sustaining a lot more people with a lot less land, particularly land that has been heavily used for a much longer time, requires a different kind of governing.

To bring this home to my friends who teach at independent schools, I ask them to consider the management of China and the U.S. similar to working with students situated in two different classrooms. First, I invite my friends to think of teaching 72 teenagers in a classroom that is the same size as the one they currently have in an independent school. In this extremely crowded room, the students only have a fraction of the books, usable pens, and pencils. In addition, these overused instruments are generally worn, books come with torn pages, and pencils are broken. Teachers assigned to teach in this room are looking at a class that is far different than what we generally find in an elite independent school. In the more affluent school setting familiar to my friends, each of the 18 students belonging to a class comes to school every day with “new” books, functional equipment, and connection to a vast amount of resources. Two very different conditions indeed.

In the classroom I am accustomed to teaching in my independent school, I encourage free-flow sharing of ideas. Students are allowed to speak their minds and inject their thoughts into the discussion without raising their hands. When a student violates a rule, I have time to rationalize with the offender to show my care and to give him the extra dose of motivation to do better. Students feel validated, respected, and encouraged to embrace their individual aims and values.

In the other classroom, to get anything done so the arena can resemble a place of learning, I imagine that establishing and maintaining order would be the key. Students have to wait for their turns to speak and speaking may be limited to a fixed time on the schedule. Violations will be severely punished, often publicly so all can learn from the example. Rule breakers will think twice before daring to disrupt the proceedings again. Individual requests serving the needs of a few do not have a chance to gain recognition when the needs of the mass are deemed supreme. It is very difficult to manage this classroom. The purpose and the goal often focus on “survival”. To get anything done, strict adherence to a rigid structure is crucial for its existence.

This comparison often helps my fellow teachers and others to understand that the American style of government with its emphasis on freedom of speech, individual pursuit of happiness, and democracy are difficult to achieve and not necessarily suitable when it comes to governance in China today.

What FRIENDSHIP and RELATIONSHIP mean to my ANDOVER-YALE classmate BOB DORAN ( PA’51 YC’55 )

April 15, 2020April 21, 2020 ~ Billy

When Billy Lee first asked me to write a little something on friendship, I quickly thought of my many relationships. But then I saw the differences and similarities between the two.

I have many fewer friendships than relationships, and my friendships are deeper and more powerful than my many relationships. But they do have things in common:

Gender is not a factor in either…

Nor is race or nationality…

And the time spent together doesn’t matter…

And both can happily go on and on.

That said, it’s better to have both than neither.

A friendship can have a very simple beginning…a handshake, nod or smile. But over time, and over changing times, it becomes deeper and more meaningful for any number of reasons. In life, stuff happens; over time, a relationship can become a close friendship.

When I think back, my early friendships started at Andover. Of a list of 8 friendships I highlighted there, 4 have died, and one has Alzheimer’s. Those living remain close friends, and those we have lost are meaningful memories

The list of friendships formed at Yale has 10 names, and again, 4 are no longer alive. Some became highly recognized but, surprisingly, the friendship only got deeper. Music was a factor in some of the friendships, and art was a factor in others.

And then to highlight the impact of forming friendships at educational institutions, I recall five at Harvard Business School that made a difference in my life, or I made in theirs. One had something to do with helping me get my first professional job, a profession he also chose. Another became deeply involved in my professional life during a difficult time. One has died.

I also developed friendships with our landscape designer, art dealers, our trainer and our rental house postman. And I have close friends on Martha’s Vineyard and San Juan Island. These friendships were formed “in season” but have deepened over time. The location of the friend is irrelevant.

I had the opportunity to join three others to form our own company. The friendship between the four of us was tested during a very difficult time, but it simply got stronger and the company survived and flourished…and our relationship and friendship did, too.

The ultimate irony is that I developed a friendship with someone that I had to fire from our company. In spite of our friendship, his management style was inconsistent with the company’s culture and he had to be let go. That individual has since died but my memories of our many conversations will never be forgotten.

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FOLLOW-UP CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN BILLY AND BOB

Billy: Please tell me more about “The Ultimate Irony”

Bob: See two attachments

Billy: Thanks. I learned the following lessons from you: 1. Be honest, sincere, yet empathetic while sorting out differences. 2. Always appreciate and respect other’s positive qualities. 3. Must reach out deliberately to ignite, embrace, and nurture Relationships and Friendships. 4. Sometimes Friendship deepens after a struggle.

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ABOUT FRIENDSHIP & MEDIATION BY ADRIAN HO – Varenna Consulting

February 24, 2020February 24, 2020 ~ Billy

When I heard a few years back that my Uncle Billy had started a “Friendshipology” initiative, I found it not at all surprising as I had long felt that he was an exemplar in the area of friendship. He’s been a long life friend to my father and to me, and I’ve seen his remarkable ability to connect with people of all ages and all persuasions.
A little background… My father emigrated from China to the US back in 1950. He came to the US as a teenager and Billy was the first friend that he made after arriving. I can only imagine the combination of security, comfort, and joy my father felt in making his first friend in a new land where he knew no one — and it came in the form of Billy. Thus I have always known Billy as “Uncle” Billy, “Uncle” being a term of respect and closeness in Chinese culture.
Years later, when I came to the Bay Area as a graduate student, the pattern repeated itself. Having spent all my life in the Boston area, I knew few people in the Bay Area, and so at a welcoming reception for the new grad students and their families, I invited Uncle Billy to attend. One memory I have from that event was that I introduced him to people there as “my father’s good friend,” and Uncle Billy corrected me by saying, “and I am Adrian’s friend too!” This comment really struck me (and I remember it to this day, over 35 years later) as I had always related to Uncle Billy through my father, and here he was connecting to me directly by stating his friendship with me. So Billy has been a first friend in a new place to both my father as well as to me!
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I had lunch with Uncle Billy the other day, and he talked about this blog and his thoughts on friendship. I spoke to him about my involvement in community and court mediation and he asked me to write about mediation for his friendship blog. So in what follows I will describe what mediation is and how it works, what are the key elements of good mediation, and finally how it relates to friendship.
A good way to introduce the topic of mediation is through the following quote:

“Conflict is inevitable but combat is optional” – Max Lucado

Conflict is indeed inevitable. As individuals, people have their own needs and wants, and at any given time one person’s needs might be different than someone else’s — this is simply part of life. Some examples of common conflicts include landlord/tenant disputes (security deposits, evictions, etc.), neighbor/neighbor disputes (noise issues, fence issues, etc.), disputes between businesses and customers, and family conflict (divorce, etc.).
A well-known way of dealing with conflict in our modern world is through litigation, which is combative in that the conflicting parties argue in front of a judge in an adversarial style, trying to prove their case and discredit the other party’s case. Litigation tends to be expensive (lawyers fees, etc.), time consuming, and stressful, especially because of the adversarial nature of the system. Ultimately, the judge makes a ruling, which may or may not be to one’s liking, so the outcome is uncertain.
An alternative, non-combative way of resolving conflict is mediation. In mediation, both parties come together in front of a neutral third party (the mediator) and get a chance to freely and confidentially speak their concerns and needs. The mediator does not make a ruling, but rather is there to facilitate and encourage honest and free discussion between the parties. In such an atmosphere, often the parties can come to some agreement themselves, which the mediator will help clarify and write up. The key distinction is that any agreement is crafted by the parties themselves, so they are more likely to be satisfied with it than with a judge’s ruling, over which they have little control.

The following table highlights some of the key differences between mediation and litigation

MEDIATION LITIGATION

Time	Typically a few hours	Weeks to Months
Cost	Often free	Expensive (lawyers fees)
Control of process and agreement	Parties are in control of the outcome and any agreement	Judges rely on precedent and make a decision which results in loss of control and power for parties
Communication	Honest communication of interests and needs is encouraged between parties	Communication between parties is discouraged by counsel. Opportunities to express concerns are limited
Emotional Atmosphere	Cooperative and informal	Adversarial and stressful; court is formal and can be intimidating
Confidentiality	All information shared during mediation is private	All information shared becomes part of the public record

Because of the many advantages of mediation, often courts will require that mediation be tried first before litigation. It doesn’t take much time, and if an agreement is reached it tends to be something with which both parties are satisfied (since they are the ones that created the agreement). If an agreement is not reached, the parties can still go on to litigation without too much time and effort lost.
A good mediator will focus on several things in the mediation: Remaining neutral and not judging, listening well, creating an environment in which both parties feel safe to honestly express their needs and concerns, and asking good questions to help the parties to talk with each other. If these factors are present, it is often the case that the parties themselves will come to some form of agreement. In the community mediation that I do, this happens in about 80% of cases.

So that’s mediation (in a nutshell); but what about Uncle Billy’s Friendshipology Initiative? What does mediation have to do with friendship? Another quote is illuminating:

“Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deeping it. That factor is attitude” – William James

Just as conflict can arise between any two people, it can also arise between friends (or family members). William James reminds us that the key factor in how the conflict will impact the friendship is attitude. Indeed, if you have a conflict with a friend, and the way you try to resolve that conflict through the “litigation” model (by trying to prove you are right, trying to discredit your friend, trying to “win” the argument), then it is likely that your friendship will be harmed. On the other hand if your attitude is aligned with mediation, then you will have an honest, open, respectful discussion with your friend to express both your needs and understand your friend’s needs, and you will try to find a way to come to an agreement, and your friendship can deepen. In the first approach your goal is to “win” the conflict; in the second approach your goal is to try to find an agreement. The first approach focuses on yourself only, the second approach focuses on you and your friend and your relationship. I think for most of us in any conflict we have with a friend or family member, if we take a step back and think about it, in almost all cases we will realize that the relationship we have with that friend or family member is far more important than winning the specific conflict. Unfortunately in the moment we often tend to lose sight of that fact, and we slip into a “litigation” mode. So next time you find yourself in a conflict with a friend or family member (or pretty much anyone for that matter) , a suggestion is to keep in mind the principles of good mediation: Listen, seek to understand, be honest about your needs, and focus on how you can together reach an agreement as opposed to how you can “win” the conflict. In doing so it may seem like a small victory, but if we all approach everyday conflict this way, we can help enable individual friendships to grow and deepen and help “friendship” in general to spread across our communities and the world. ___________

Adrian Ho
Varenna Consulting
T: 415 377 4739E: adrian@varennaconsulting.com

ADDITIONAL ADVICE FROM JAMES LUCE IMPLEMENTING G.I.F.T.( Global Institute for Friendship and Teaching )

February 12, 2020February 12, 2020 ~ Billy

Hello Billy,

Here are my continued thoughts on the future:

You need to recruit a respected educator of children to lead a team that designs lessons in friendship for kids. The person you recruit could be a teacher, an author of children’s books, etc.
Once this task is in being implemented you need to find someone connected officially with child education at a high level…a recently retired Director of Education for California would be a good choice, for example…assuming that person is sympathetic with GIFT’s campaign. That person should prepare a plan for getting the lessons presented to kids…this could be accomplished in several ways…including an online class or lesson books distributed at clubs, churches, etc.
Once these tasks are completed you will have a solid foundation for the next one…getting money from people to provide GIFT with a proper endowment.
If all of the above is just too darn difficult, then just continue posting items on your blog AND continue to search for someone a bit younger than you or I who’s willing and able to take on the task of promoting GIFT

OBT, James Feb. 2020