In the summer of 1974 when I was 10 years old, our family moved from New York City to a small suburban community in California called Ladera. I was entering 5th grade at the local elementary school. On the first day, I was warmly welcomed by a group of boys who all seemed quite happy to have a new kid joining their class. A boy named Gary Dodge was giddy about having a new schoolmate with the same first name as his, yet he assured me that we would not get mixed up because the other kids could call him by his nickname Gee. Every day at lunch, we all gathered in the same spot on the same bench. Neil Norton often had a box of instant Jello in his lunch sack, and we would form a line to be doled out a palmful of the coveted flavored sugar snack. If you were lucky enough to have something good to trade, you had a shot at getting a bite size piece of John Hansen’s mom’s famous chocolate chip cookies.

In sixth grade, we kids were bused to the local middle school, called La Entrada, which consolidated 3 of the local elementary schools. There were new friends to be made, new kids to hang out with, and new activities to join. Yet at the end of each school day, our group would gather down at the elementary school yard to play basketball or football together until dinner time. In the summers, we all hung out at the community pool.

At the start of 9th grade, some of us, including myself, went to private high schools, while others were split between the two public high schools. We saw less and less of each other, yet on weekends, we would gather at the local shopping center parking lot in the evenings to hang out and drink beer. Lazy summer days at the pool were still had, but more seldom, and it now included girls.

When college rolled around, we all went our separate ways, created new groups of friends, and rarely saw each other. We each stayed close with a few of the group, and would only hear about the others from one friend who heard from another friend.  

It wasn’t until many years after that we reassembled at Mike Voss’s wedding. Many of us had not seen each other in 5 or 10 years, yet when together, it was like riding a bike, enjoying each others company as we used to, with barely a hiccup. My friend Neil Norton saw the importance of this group’s togetherness and afterward began arranging reunions every 5 years or so. The first couple were in Baja Mexico, where Neil’s family owned a house on a remote beach. Others were held in Lake Tahoe, and Yosemite. Our last reunion occurred in Joshua Tree just 2 weeks before the COVID-19 outbreak. It had been over 10 years since meeting up together.

Our individual journeys have taken us on varying paths, from being an accountant to an arborist to a minister. Along the way, we got married, had kids, some got divorced, some remarried. Some have had life threatening events, one took his own life. At our gatherings, we peripherally talk about our families, our jobs, our parents, and the crazy world around us. But we purposefully keep it light. What we focus on are the memories of our past, of previous reunions and crazy antics, enjoying each other’s company in the moment, and creating more memories for the next reunion. We toast to our friend Jim who had passed and relish in how fortunate we all are to have such a beautiful friendship.

Billy’s Comments: As a parent, I coached Gary and many of Gary’s friends soccer when they were around 10 or 11, and I was a loyal supporter at many of their baseball games as well. What an amazing group of characters – different personalities yet so harmoniously connected. I have to salute Neil Norton for keeping the group together, and I salute Eric Chapman for coordinating their very recent one. The spectacular gathering was written up in Ladera Crier by Chris Carlsmith titled : ” Ever wonder what Ladera Friendships mean to our children? Lifelong ties and memories ! “ It takes good efforts to sustain ! BTW, I miss seeing Andrew Rossi in the photos. How are you doing, Andrew ?

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I was a bit late at getting to the tennis court that morning. I saw our group clearly behind Court No. Three, but all seven of them were standing – two were pointing at each other with arms stretched, and the others seemed shocked and frozen on the side. I got inside the court and noticed that the two pointing at each other were both yelling – faces red. One said it was clearly “In”. The other said ” No. I call it Out ! ” The one who hit the ball insisted that his ball was “In”. The other said, “When in doubt, the USTA Regulations give the receiving side the final say. ” ” But I swear it was in. I wouldn’t lie to you.” ” I won’t lie to you either, but don’t you know the USTA Regulations ? If you don’t even know the regulations you should not be arguing so stubbornly.” ” Are you suggesting that I am intentionally lying?” ” Are you suggesting that I am just making things up ? ” Their faces are getting redder and they were approaching each other closer and closer as if each step was going to improve their credibility. As the six other friends were watching, personal credibility and integrity became much more important. Oh my gosh !

Luckily two elderly friends in the eighties stepped in and pulled the two just over seventies apart. I also decided to inject my Chinese humor to help. Since I was the eldest member in the group, the group usually shows me extra respect. I said to the group,” My dear younger brothers. Whether the ball is “in ” or “out”, we know in this case it’s not that important since there is no trophy involved. I see here, we are questioning each other’s honesty and integrity. Let me be Judge Pao ( equivelent of King Solomon ) and resolve the dillema once and for all. I proclaim you both honest as your faces were both red as fire. If your were not honest you would not be that fired up. I congratulate both of you for being true and honest, But my dear younger brothers, you have yet to learn how to be more generous. So next week we start our lesson on Generousness.”

“Billy, you are full of Bull !’ The group yelled and laughed. The two seventy year olds shook hands. The Good Group Comrade Spirit sustained.

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Everyone knows what friendship is, and everyone has a friend, but for this article, let me categorize the different types of “friendship”, and more importantly, talk about how friendships get broken.  With such a broad topic, of necessity one has to use generalities, and everyone will have anecdotal evidence why this or that generality is untrue or incorrect.  But this is my personal perspective, so please allow me some latitude, and I hope that each reader will get some insight from these observations.

In considering how to do this article, I looked up the definition of friendship, of which there are several, but most in general, say this:  the state of being a friend, who is further defined as a person whom one knows well and is fond of, an ally, supporter, or sympathizer, or is a member of The Society of Friends (from Webster’s New World Dictionary).

In thinking about different categories of friendship, I visualize something similar to the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, a theory in psychology comprising a five-tier model of human needs, often depicted as levels within a pyramid. … From the bottom of the pyramid upwards, the needs are: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization.

The reader can find descriptions of this pyramid of needs elsewhere, via a search of the keywords Maslow Hierarchy.

So I created my own hierarchy pyramid which I call the Friendship Hierarchy:

I hope that this visual categorization of different types of friendship that every person has is clearly presented and evident, from the most broad based casual/social type of acquaintances that one calls “friends” progressing up the pyramid to more specific, and possibly fewer, committed or contractual, to friends that one might say has “bonding” characteristics that makes that type of friend special.  Then, at the top, each person might have a “best friend”, someone who shares similar values, that one might sacrifice oneself for, and/or has frequent contacts with.

On the right side of the pyramid, I list the kinds of things that might cause a rupture in the friendship.  The most obvious example of such a breakdown of a friendship might be a friend asking for a loan, which when given as a token of friendship, doesn’t get repaid, or a sale and purchase of a used car.

Another evident example would be those who say “my wife/husband is my best friend”, but if a divorce or separation occurs, usually that friendship is severed.

For the rest of this article, I will talk only about the “bonding” category, with some comments about Rotary, and more about the FF Fraternity of Chinese American males.

From Wiikipedia, “Rotary International is an international service organization whose stated purpose is to bring together business and professional leaders in order to provide humanitarian service and to advance goodwill and peace around the world. It is a non-political and non-religious organization open to all.”

There may be a million Rotarians, both male and female, around the world, organized into districts with Rotary Clubs of various names with several to hundreds of Rotarians in the clubs.  Its stated purpose is to do good, by community service projects and charity donations.

I was a Rotarian in the Hong Kong Northeast Rotary Club for 5 years from 1997.  Rotary basically accepts anybody wishing to join, though there is a sponsor who does the introduction into his/her club.  What Rotary did for me at that time in my life was that it gave structure to my life – through weekly lunches, annual fund raising parties, and other scheduled projects and happy hours.

The main issue I had with that Rotary Club was that the members thought themselves somewhat elitist and that they served a noble purpose, which if truly noble was a worthy cause, but to do projects and make donations, just for the sake of showing that they were doing something, did not sit well with me, so I left that Rotary Club, and now, once in a long while, may meet up with other former Rotarians.

What is a fraternity?  From Dictionary.com, “a local or national organization of male students, primarily for social purposes, usually with secret initiation and rites and a name composed of two or three Greek letters;  a group of persons associated by or as if by ties of brotherhood;any group or class of persons having common purposes, interests, etc.:the medical fraternity;  an organization of laymen for religious or charitable purposes; sodality;  the quality of being brotherly; brotherhood:liberty, equality, and fraternity;  the relation of a brother or between brothers.”

FF Fraternity fits that definition; it was formed in 1910 in Trinity College, Hartford, Connecticut, as a social base for Chinese students studying in the US, and since then has expanded to about 1,000 “brothers” spread over six “lodges” in the US and Canada, and three lodges in Asia, with about half of those brothers affiliated with one of the lodges and the other half “at large” scattered around the globe and not affiliated with any one lodge.

Its stated motto is “fellowship and service”, with more on fellowship, though efforts are being made to do more service.  Though non-political, its brothers, being citizens of the countries where they reside and by their own interests, may partake in various political causes and issues; but that is a personal choice.

I was initiated into FF in 1963 while still a student at MIT, and the ebb and flow of life saw me go from the Boston Lodge to the New York Lodge to the Washington DC Lodge, to now the Hong Kong Lodge.  I had served as an officer of 3 of the lodges, as well as two officer positions at the National level.

Yes, FF did a lot for me, but it also caused me some distaste in the recent past.  Friends brought me into FF, and they would remain friends whether in FF or not.  No questions that our friendship strengthened as a result of us being “brothers”, being the result of more meeting up related to the “reunions” which are annual events.  Any FF brother would agree that we have met, and made, new friends strictly and solely due to FF’s existence, friends we would not have made otherwise, were it not for FF.

And special bonding does exist between brothers, where were it not for FF, one would not do something otherwise.  As an example, I have without any thought, agreed to share a hotel room with another brother also travelling solo to a reunion held in a remote location.  As a result of sharing a room with a brother from Singapore, he and I would assume that we would share a room an any other location.  I even shared a room with him when the reunion was held in Hong Kong, where I now live.

Another example is with the originator of this F&F website ( Billy ), whom I have known only as an FF brother, and would never have considered doing this article were it requested by any other person not a brother.

But to me, this special bonding extends beyond just being “friendly”; we take an oath when we are initiated, and there should exist honesty, integrity, and trust between brothers.  These 3 values, I contend, were broken when FF had to deal with a certain issue that involved the true ethnicity of a new member being asked to be inducted into FF.

Honesty:  I was personally lied to by one member brother.

Integrity:  the then Chairman repeatedly made claims that he would not substantiate.

Trust:  a brother needs to trust that the actions of another brother are done with sincerity and faithfulness, and should not ever have cause to judge the actions of another brother.

All these actions are well documented, to such an extent, that I and several other brothers had been brought to a stage of issuing applications to expel two brothers who committed the above acts.  But we came to the realization that such an expulsion application would in and of itself be an “unbrotherly” act that would cause irreparable damage to the fraternity. 

But would I ever make any extra effort to meet up or be brotherly to the brothers that I thought deserved expulsion?  No way.

And that’s how bonded friendships get broken.

PC Mar

July 2020.

I was born in 1941 in Hong Kong, educated in HK, Japan, and US.  College education at MIT in Cambridge, Massachusetts.  Worked in computer science and marketing and management positions in the US, Japan, and Hong Kong.  Married in 1965, but divorced in 1993, raised one son and one daughter.  Have now lived solo in Hong Kong and Bangkok.  Hobbies:  tennis, ballroom dancing, and love of music.  Published author of “Business Communications: Be the Best”, Times Publishing Group, 2003.

Awards:  Management award from AMF Incorporated, and 2014 Poker Champion in FF Shanghai Reunion, several Champion/Finalist awards in local HK and club level tennis tournaments.

BFF:  a Japanese male friend from Tokyo, Japan whom I have known and travelled with for over 25 years.  We share similar values and outlook on life, exchange messages/calls 3 – 5 times a week, speaking in Japanese, and texting in English and Japanese.  No hesitation to share cabin on cruises with him, though not considering cruising for near future, due to virus pandemic.

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BILLY’ S COMMENTS : In FRIENDSHIPOLOGY we study both the FORMATIONS and the BREAKDOWNS of FRIENDSHIP. It is my hope that after BREAKDOWNS we can find AVENUES FOR RECOVERY and discover causes for possible misunderstandings. I wonder what THIRD PARTY FRIENDS can do to help.

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Our good friend Carolyn Hsu in NYC wanted us to meet and support her friend, HAO Jiang Tian (田浩江) who was going to perform at the S.F. Opera. She arranged for Lucille and me to meet Tian at his dressing room after the opera. Immediately after the final curtain call, we rushed to the back stage feeling very excited. The dressing room was not brightly lit, but we found Tian still in his singing costume, smiling widely as he welcomed us. After introducing ourselves a bit more, Tian said,” Please excuse me for a few minutes. I go change in the next room and be right back.” He then left the room. When we turned around we discovered another couple standing in the dark corner. We smiled and nodded politely at each other. The man was a broad and sturdily-built Asain. The woman was a petite Caucasian. They were about our age – maybe just three or four years younger.

We first looked at each other awkwardly since the space between us was too far apart for intimate conversation. We looked at each other more intensely as I began to be curious if I should remember this guy because he looked kind of familiar, but I could not properly identify him. The guy also looked at both Lucille and me with similar curiosity.

Quite simultaneously we moved towards each other with our hands extended and said, “Oh this is my wife Lucille ( or Anna his wife) and I am Billy (John his name). We looked at each other even more intensely. John started asking “ Are you from Shanghai ?”. I said “yes”. He immediately asked,” Noon Zu For Kai Son Lu Ger Lee Ming Sing Va ? ( Are you Lee Ming Sing from Ferguson Road ? ). The sky turned clear blue for me all of the sudden. Yes, I see him; I know him, – dear “Xiao War Gee” ( “Little Funny One “ the nick name my brother and I gave him ( John’s brother Charlie was “Doo Wor Gee” or “Big Funny” ). Oh my God, Sixty some years ago we were neighbours in Shanghai, and we played daily at our home- mostly in the garden – either playing soccer with rubber balls or trying to capture tadpoles or toads from the central artificial pond.

Lucille and John also began to remember that they had worked at a Chinese Restaurants together in New York City when they were in college. John and Charlie were the busboys, and Lucille was an hostess. Lucille remembered the Sie Brothers as nice, fun, young gentlemen. While I remembered the two “ War Gee “s as two really naughty little Friends.

Martha Liao, Mrs. Hao Jiang Tian, invited us all to her famous post-performance Sho Yeh 宵夜 ( evening snack ) at their SF Apartment later. So we had an opportunity to catch up with our life stories. John was very successful in his business ventures, and he and Anna were sponsors of Tian’s opera performance that night in San Francisco. They came to support the Tians all the way from Denver, Colorado. They also have a daughter, Michelle, who now directs their foundation focusing on Downsyndrome. Lucille and I told them about our involvement with The 1990 Institute.  So we got reconnected. What a JOY !

It was Serendipity. A Memorable S.F. Opera Night, indeed !

John and Anna have made several generous donations to the 1990 Institute in honor of Billy. John told me that he wanted to express his gratefulness for being allowed to come and play at our home in Shanghai any day any time –as there was a small crack in our Chiang Li Bo ( Bamboo Fence ) that he had enlarged just enough to allow him to slip through freely any day any time.

John and Anna, Thank you, OUR DEAR DEAR FRIENDS !

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I was honored when Bro Billy Lee asked me to write an article on his website to promote Friendship and Friendshipology (F&F). I believe making friends is one of the most important values in life. One of my goals in life is to be able to communicate with anyone from age 2 to 100. I still have a ways to go but I am getting closer by leading student education programs.

I have been running an education program that focuses on leadership, team work, communication and creativity in China since my retirement in 2012. My students range from age 5 to 18. I was a little concerned over whether I can make friends with someone as young as 5 years old. It was challenging at first but over time I was able to communicate and make friends with these 5 year old students. I feel there are four keys points to making friends with these:

1) Stay humble and believe we can be better. I tended to be arrogant when I was young. Over time I realized there is so much I can learn from everyone. I can make a better me if I just listen and learn from others.                                       

2) Listen and know the students. It is important to know the students’ names and background before meeting them. They always react positively if we know their names and understand their background.                                                                

3) Build trust and make a connection. The best way to build trust is to understand the students’ needs and help them.                                          

4) Forgive others when they make a mistake. We all make mistakes because we are human beings. When people make mistakes, focus on the positive and reflect what we can do to move forward.                                                                                                                                                               

I was able to use these four keys to learn something from a nine year old student of mine who told me that she does not have a good relationship with her father. I asked, “why not”? She told me that when he makes mistakes he would always blame others. He never feels it’s his fault. This conversation made me realize the importance of saying sorry when one makes a mistake. It is especially important for parents to admit when they have made a mistake. We are human and we all make mistakes.

I have built long lasting relationships with some of these students. Students graduate from our program and often return as volunteers. After they go to college, they refer other students and volunteers to our program. I have one student, Candice, who graduated from Univ. of Washington. After she got a job with Google, she sent a nice note thanking us for the guidance we gave her over the years. One volunteer was a student from Harvard who came from Burundi, Africa. After Salathiel graduated from Harvard, he decided to go back to his country and start a renewable energy business.  One time he had to come to China and purchase water meters. As Salathiel does not speak Chinese, he asked for my help and I accompanied him to Ningbo to help him negotiate an agreement!

Life has become much more meaningful after I started these educational programs – I have made many young friends; interacting with them keeps me young; I learned how to enjoy the moment; and I am trying to learn something new every day. I plan to do these programs for the rest of my life.

” Benjamin Feng was born in Taiwan and moved to United States when he was 12. He lived with his family in Cincinnati Ohio where he graduated from high school. Benjamin received his BS and MS degrees in chemical engineering from MIT.  After graduation he worked for Stone and Webster designing waste treatment systems for power and chemical plants. Then he went to Harvard Business School for his MBA.

After HBS Benjamin worked for Citibank for 13 years.  He had worked in Foreign exchange trading, corporate banking, investment banking, private banking, and problem loan management. It was during this period he developed a comprehensive understanding of the financial industry. He has lived in New York, Taipei, Singapore and Indonesia during this time.

After Citibank Benjamin became managing director of Kwanghua Securities investment Trust which he helped to become the largest mutual fund company in Taiwan. This sets the stage for him to enter the investment business for the next 20 years.

Benjamin then founded the All Asia Partners which is a venture capital firm that invests in Taiwan and Silicon Valley. The initial investments were in late stage investments. All Asia then began to move into intermediate stage investments. Investments were made in the semiconductor, healthcare, and information technology companies.

In 2008 Benjamin joined Paclink Capital as a senior partner moved to Shanghai to manage the investments in China. Paclink has made investments in auto components, health care, education, Information technology, clean tech industries.

In 2012 Benjamin joined Trans-Pac Institute as a senior partner that provides education to high school and international students. His curriculum is project based and focused on life skills. Life skills include leadership, communication, team work, and creativity. Benjamin has done several charity projects in Yunnan and Qinghai. He hopes to devote the rest of his life running these life skills programs. “

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