Click and Bond, an Enduring Friendship

My friend and FF Fraternity Brother Billy Lee asked me this question:  “What makes a friendship click and bond for the long haul?”  He added:  “I know you have a lot of experience in inspiring people, young and old, individually and collectively.  How about writing an essay shining light on this topic?”  The way Bro. Billy asked the question made me feel appreciated and gave me a sense of importance, two important criteria to build trusted and lasting friendships.

I will begin by highlighting a few simple principles that I have learned from my 32 years of working at Hewlett Packard.  I will conclude by sharing a recent example of building friendship while mentoring six young professionals during 2018-2019.

Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard, the two founders of Hewlett Packard, have instilled in me an important principle, simple to state, but difficult to implement.  That is, think first of the other person.  How do I listen to understand the other person?  How do I respect the other person’s personality rights?  How do I build up the other person’s sense of importance?  How do I give sincere appreciation to others?

To form stronger and more durable relationships at Hewlett Packard, I have also learned to smartly erase the line between “personal” and “professional” relationships.  For professional business relationships, I had to articulate a shared vision, develop ambitious goals, delegate responsibilities, and drive for results.  For personal relationships, I had to be a warm, casual, vulnerable and empathetic human.  This was not about choosing one over the other.  Both were required, at all times.

I have been a volunteer at the Monte Jade Science & Technology Association mentoring young professionals in Silicon Valley since 2009.  Typically we had ten executive mentors, each hosting a small group of 5 to 6 mentees, for an annual class of 50-60 participants.  I asked each of the six mentees from my mentoring group of 2018-19 to research a leadership topic of their choice, and lead a group discussion by sharing examples of successes and failures they have encountered.  I emphasized:  “This is not a presentation.   Rather, you must draw out ideas and comments from the others … and lead a discussion while highlighting their viewpoints.”  I coached them with tips on how to think first of the other person.

Twelve weeks and six discussions later, the results were rather astounding.  Not only did they pick up valuable insights related to the chosen leadership topics, they were clicking and bonding with each other in ways that I had not accomplished in my prior mentoring groups.  They felt like a family wanting to help each other.

Taking advantage of this opportunity, I wanted to drive home the importance of erasing the line between “personal” and “professional” relationships.  At this time, they saw me as the respected teacher/mentor, a professional relationship.  Breaking tradition with the other group mentors, I invited my mentees and their spouse to my home celebrating the Christmas holidays.  I requested two things:  Bring your best dish to share.  Wear a pair of socks with an attitude that makes a statement about you.

Again, the results were astounding.  Because I was willing to share my home with them, introduce them to my wife, share my socks with an attitude, and demonstrate our warm, casual and vulnerable behaviors … they responded by clicking and bonding with me and my spouse, and even more with each other.  Their personal stories about their best dishes, and their statements for the choice of socks revealed their warmness, casualness and vulnerability.

The story did not end here.  Six months later we regrouped on a beautiful Saturday and visited three wineries in the Mountains of Santa Cruz.  One year later, four of the six mentees returned to Monte Jade to give back and lead programs for us.

Larry Chang, June 15, 2020

Executive Advisor, Ascend Leadership

Executive Mentor, Monte Jade Science & Technology Assoiciation

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The Virus and Our Legacy 

I am a volunteer at Cupertino Senior Center teaching Conversational English to an audience of foreign students. The theme is in the area of conversation, on the virtues of being good to others and developing friendships. Billy and I met a few years back. His very being has always been focused on developing friendships. I admire his on-going love for his fellow man/woman, perhaps that is why we headed off so well. Billy asked me to write a short essay on friendship but I’m going to deviate to Virus and Our Legacy as it seems more natural at this time to think about how Covid-19 is affecting us.

Our lives are defined by time, whether we are gifted with a long or short one, we need to better exploit it. Many of the excuses we’ve all heard in the past have been, I’m too busy or I don’t have the time. Personally I try not to prescribe to those thoughts, rather it is a matter of prioritizing within a busy schedule. Friendshipology as Billy would say, is a state of mind and a way of life. Like any habit, it comes naturally and instinctively. My hope in the aftermath of this virus, is that it will bring all of us and the world closer together.  

The Covid 19 Pandemic has been devastating, particularly to those who have lost a love one or knowing of someone who has. In times of social distancing, shelter in place, work from home, face masks, no dining out, no social gatherings, etc., our way of life literally changed over night. Since mid-March, my classes have been canceled but I still have phone calls with a number of my students. Inevitably, our conversations always come around to how boring and confined life has become. I tell them, circumstances are what they are and we have to set different priorities. Yes, things have changed and we can change as well. We can bring added light to those we love. 

Most of my students are grandparents living with their son’s and daughter’s families. Everyone is home pretty much all day long because of the recent mandate. I tell them, instead of focusing on the negatives of the shelter in place, prioritize your thoughts on the grandchildren and the family unit.  There are no excuses now that we’re too busy or we don’t have time. This is a opportunity for the grandkids to learn more about us as grandparents and our parents – our history. Often times, they think we are just old people who are there to care and cook for them. We have a rich and colorful history to tell; in hopes of someday, they’ll be sharing our story to their very own. With only 1 hour a week, we can help keep us alive for generations to come. Legacy becomes tradition. 

Phil
“Every day is unique and special”.

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Billy’s notes: I was invited to talk to Phil’s “Senior” students couple of years ago. I noticed that the students held very high respect for Phil as he had well prepared and useful advice for them. As a group, the students interacted very warmly. It seemed more like a friendly social club to me. After the talk, I joined many of them to lunch at a nearby Chinese restaurant – sharing food together and sharing laughs.

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When my FF Fraternity Brother, Billy Lee, invited me to contribute an article for his Friendshipology website, I was flattered and surprised. I was impressed by the thoughts and sentiments of himself and others already on the website, and felt it difficult to add to them !

But he encouraged me nonetheless. So here it goes.

I think most people play golf most often with their friends, and I also often do so. But I also enjoy “walking up” to a golf course and asking if there’s room in a group for me to join in. Often there is a group of less than four, and I can be added on. Needless to say, that means I play a lot with “strangers”.

I’ve spoken with many friends who tell me they would never do that. They fear the group may not be friendly and may not like them, and they are nervous that their golf skills will be viewed with scorn.

Sure, that could happen. But in my experience, it never did, and even if it does, it’s not the end of the world. And so I play Casual Golf with strangers.

When meeting a person for the first time, I start off with the standard questions: Do you play here often? Where do you live? Are you working? What did you do before you retired? I ask these questions to express my interest in them as individuals. From their answers, I get a sense of whether they are interested in sharing. Most often they are, and we go merrily from there.

Now, I think a key part of my approach is just enjoying the game, the company of my new comrades, celebrating their good shots, commiserating their “unfortunate” ones, gentle (and cautious) teasing, and laughing at my own miscues as well as undeserved good luck (my actual best golf attribute). I inevitably find much of interest in my new friends, and always learn something of value or enjoyment. And as importantly, I almost always find that I enjoy their amazing personalities. To me, the scores don’t matter. In one of my songs, I cajoled a golf buddy not to get so upset and overly conscientious in his golf game:

Cast aside your scores and you will find

That failure is just a state of mind.

Close your eyes, you’ll clearly see:

The journey can set your spirit free!

It’s really all about Experiencing the Experience, and I try to do my part to make it fun for all.

As we go through the round, I push gently into certain topics to get a sense of their willingness to express opinions and feelings. If there is resistance, I back off. But usually, we develop trust in each other, a willingness to expose ourselves and risk judgement. And at the end of the round, there is almost always genuine warmth and comradery.

Some may say, why “waste” the time and effort on people you may never see again? But I truly enjoy the time and interaction. Making friends on our path through life, even if fleeting, has value unto itself. And sometimes, we do happen to get matched up again!

I take this same general approach in all my interactions off the golf course: I try to learn about others and let myself be vulnerable to their judgements by gently showing who I am and my personal beliefs.

I believe much of the hatred and fear that seem too common today could not happen if we really knew more about each other. I think if everyone took a little time and interest in really getting to know each other, we would achieve much more than tolerance. We would achieve true Empathy, Understanding…and Friendship.

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Billy’s notes:  Mike is someone who really knows how to enjoy Life. He loves Work as much as Play. He loves singing and composing songs. He loves drawing cartoons with subtle humor. ( He did the cartoon above ). He loves cooking – Eastern or Western. He loves people and exchanging jokes. He loves his wife Karen – just cooked a special dish for her birthday, a day ago.

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This take on friendship is from Bill Shilstone, 81, retired newspaper journalist, Navy veteran and one of Billy’s many tennis victims.

Grandparents are supposed to be role models for grandchildren, but I have a graduating eighth-grader who has taught ME about friendship. He’s only 14, but he has always had more concern for others than for himself.  His mother put it in a graduation message to him. (His name is Billy, too.)

“I am so grateful to have been able to watch you win the spelling bee this year. … But you know what made my heart burst with pride was the friendship that you showed to Kathleen, even in the heat and intensity of the final rounds.  What was clearly more important to you was to share that experience with a close friend.  That is the part of you, Billy, that makes me most proud, and that I see every time I look at you.  Your compassion for others, your zest for the joy of life’s experiences, and your ability to engage with others, and make them feel good.  Seems to make you feel good too, and that’s quite a gift.”

Where does that feel for friendship come from? I’d say good parenting. But maybe not. Can you teach friendship in a Friendshipology 101 class, or do you either have it or you don’t (nature vs. nurture)?

What could be studied in Friendshipology? Appreciation for all cultures, colors and points of view, of course. How about two years of mandatory public service, as in Peace Corps, Green Conservation Corps, Neighbors Abroad?

Or study Intense Rivalry and Competition. What’s better than watching two top-level tennis players hug at the net after spending hours trying to beat each other? Or spelling bee contestants.

Study Disney. Think of “Never Had a Friend Like Me” from “Aladdin” or “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” from “Toy Story.”

Study Mr. Rogers. He’s in a renaissance just now.

There’s hope!

May, 2020

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BILLY’s NOTES: Bill Shisltone (Bill) and Billy Lee (Billy) are members of a 70 AND-OVER group of tennis buddies who meet twice weekly to test what’s left of their muscles and brains. Billy is a reliable attendant. Bill, however, often could not make it due to his grandchildren baby-sitting duties. Bill is very close to and proud of his grandchildren. In Bill’s article above, I indeed learned most from Little Billy’s mother. Her right words at the right time produce Miracles !

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Jane Constantineau is a ghostwriter, editor, and book reviewer who specializes in biographies and memoirs. For more information, visit www.janeconstantineau.com.

Watching My Words

I work with words every day as a writer, editor, and book reviewer. My job often involves critiquing and changing people’s writing. While some old pros are unfazed by the angry-looking pencil marks of an editor or the cutting criticism of a book reviewer, most writers feel about one inch tall when someone finds fault with their work.

As a writer myself I have worked with many perfectly nice editors who I thought were really mean. This is the nature of getting feedback on our writing—it hurts. When I work as an editor, I never forget that writing makes us vulnerable, exposing a soft, sensitive underbelly that should be handled with care.

I take a piece of writing as seriously as the writer did, reading closely to discover big picture themes, structure, tone, and voice. If I feel an author missed the mark, I figure out why. Often, I can see what someone wanted to achieve and help them do it more effectively.

Also, I find bright spots in every manuscript, no matter how rough. All writers have a unique writing voice. Two people could convey the same information, and it would sound delightfully different. Developing a voice takes time and practice, but I can always find glimpses of it and help writers draw it out.

Finally, I try to convey to the clients I work with that writing is an art and a craft that never stops evolving and improving. Even the most seasoned writers revise their work endlessly, striving for perfection but rarely content that they have achieved it.

It would be a disservice to withhold honest criticism that could help a writer improve. But it would be worse to crush the spirit of someone trying their best. Editors walk that line, knowing that we might bruise egos but hoping that the superficial wound will heal and create a deeper understanding of the writing craft.

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Billy’s notes: As classmate Ed Nef’s advisor on his forth-coming new book, which will include one of my articles, Jane advised that I change or delete a few words that may cause misunderstanding – even emotional discomfort. She was most thoughtful and diplomatic. I followed her advise and invited her to share some of her thoughts if she has the time. I thought that her skill and experience can help us all in our Friendship and Relationship Building. She generously provided the article above. Thank you, Jane !

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