STEPHEN LEE – A Fellow Founding Member of The 1990 Institute – always there when Billy needs input in critical thinking .

Combination of words create mental images in our mind, often leading to emotion or tension in this case. Our reaction to these images may be action or more thoughts.

Among Bill’s friends, I am probably most unqualified to write about friendship, loyalty, or righteousness. On the other hand, because these words are not innate to me, encountering them together has stirred anew my thinking and led my mind to explore their relevance to me in the current global situation. That settled the title of this essay.

Almost immediately, the word polarization came up, and in no time, its opposite concept in which I have always believed, unity in diversity, popped into my consciousness. It is thus only natural that I choose these two concepts as the subtitle.

Friendship is easy when no substantial gain or loss are involved. 君子之交淡如水 (Gentlemen’s friendship is bland as water.) There are probably numerous Chinese sayings about friendship. That this one surged to my mind without effort tells me why I have had few friends in my life. It also explains why loyalty is not high in my list of values.

Loyalty is towards a person or an ideal. It implies constancy of motivation and actions. It may even require or at least encourage unquestioning. To me, it is danger and a potential barrier against objectivity and its non-aligned values, such as equality for all, trade-off with other alternative or competing values.

Righteousness is measured according to some standard. How are standards set? Who set them? Are they universally accepted? What are the consequences of not following the standards of righteousness agreed by the majority of a community? Is freedom of belief higher than the community’s standards of righteousness? What are the consequences on an individual upon breaking the community’s standards of righteousness? What are the rewards for upholding or advancing such standards? Are they socio-religious consequences or legal consequences? Let me stop our thoughts here, lest we detour away from the subtitle.

If we label Loyalty and Righteousness as “virtues”, then we affirm (at least subconsciously) that they have polarities. Loyal vs disloyal. Righteous vs unrighteous. If we become convinced that one direction is good and the opposite direction is evil, we may succumb to polarization. On a more inclusive consideration of other ideals and effects, for example, equality, respect, love and forgiveness, etc., then we can find our personal equilibrium.

Polarization can turn friends into enemies in the extreme, or at least strangers if one is more charitable. In the former outcome, cohesiveness with like-minded friends is the right and loyal thing to do. In the latter case, diversity of values can be tolerated but not advocated. Unity in both cases is out of the question.

Sadly, this is a significant and current mentality of the world. Its manifestation in the media is most vocal and its effects on the global and personal relationships are alarming.

How can unity be regained while retaining diversity? Or how can polarization be reversed?

I have a mental aid that dawned on me recently. Remember the combination of three keys to perform a Reboot or Reset of the old personal computer?

Control + Alternate + Delete.

Before I explain it, let me quote a short passage from one Confucian classic, “The Doctrine of the Mean 中庸”:

“While there are no stirrings of pleasure, anger, sorrow, or joy, the mind may be said to be in the state of Equilibrium. When those feelings have been stirred, and they act in their due degree, there ensues what may be called the state of Harmony. This Equilibrium is the great root from which grow all the human actings in the world, and this Harmony is the universal path which they all should pursue.”

喜怒哀乐之未发，谓之中；发而皆中节，谓之和。中也者，天下之大本也；和也者，天下之达道也。致中和。天地位焉，万物育焉。

Back in the 1960’s growing up in Hong Kong, this Confucian classic did not resonate with me. Modernization meant Westernization. The middle ground just seemed compromise, mediocrity, static and conservative. Now, seventy two years old, I learned that Confucius had anticipated such criticisms.

“The Master said, “I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not walked in:-The knowing go beyond it, and the stupid do not come up to it. I know how it is that the path of the Mean is not understood:-The men of talents and virtue go beyond it, and the worthless do not come up to it.”

In thirty years, the good will between US and China has changed substantially. If not turned 180 degrees, it must be at least 90 degrees? Why and how can it be reversed?

Obviously this is a very complex and difficult subject to discuss, explain and prescribe a way out. Instead, I would start from the Reset button and describe how a simple mental reminder working on each and every one of us may help change the global direction. I wrote the following a few months ago.

With polarization having “semi permanently” moved us apart, causing us to fixate our mental and spiritual base points away from the common center we used to share, in the silence of our souls, we can examine our shifted base points, and remember that the key to being centered and balanced is to hit the RESET button when we are acting or reacting from our current polarized base points.

The three RESET steps are:

Control our emotions and reflex triggered by the encounter.

Consider Alternate thoughts and possible explanations, assessments and reactions triggered by the encounter. Instead of reacting from our own biased set point, reflect on whether the other side has a valid point. Or that the other side did not really mean what was said. Or that the other side had no bad intention. Or that the other side was under emotional duress. Recall also how we have behaved or said things we did not really mean and hurt others. Remind ourselves that we have an alternative choice on our reaction, that of seeking a balance between our different set points. Recall the past equilibrium, especially when we were loving and hopeful then.

Delete whatever that keeps us fixated in our momentary “conviction”. In the silence and emptiness of emotion, we reflect on our personal values and lessons we have learned and will endeavour to learn.

Let it be Unity in Diversity.

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POSTSCRIPT

Bill knows that my better half can provide a complementary perspective to my writing. After receiving her feedback, I realized that my essay has been cold and without the essence of Friendship. Emotions and warm feelings have their attraction to all human beings.

So I will bring us back to the motivation which can attract even polarized people towards one another.

What common values do all people share?

Happiness is probably the most common answer I hear from friends when I ask them their purpose of life.

What makes people happy? Being with loved ones is again probably the most common answer. For the last two to three months, sheltered at home, have we reflected on our lives and re-affirmed what make us happy and motivated to go on?

Are there individuals among our friends with whom we disagree with on some issues? Surely there are. Do we still count them as our friends? Do we wish them good health and happiness? Surely we do.

That still little voice in our hearts is what will bring us all back together!

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Ed Nef – Billy Lee’s 70+year-long friend from Phillips Andover

Author of “Life Out Loud – A Memoir of Countless Adventures and No Regrets”  – https://www.goodreads.com/

My father Victor Nef set up a good example for us all as a distinguished diplomat who had served his motherland, Switzerland, throughout his four decades’ career.  He helped Switzerland maintain strong friendship with the United States and Canada and others.  During World War II, as Swiss Consul General in New York, he was one of the primary commercial contacts between the United States and the Axis Powers.  This was an extremely important responsibility since Switzerland was the primary independent neutral country serving as an intermediary between the Allies and the Axis.  

In 1959, I followed my father’s footsteps by joining the US diplomatic service as a Foreign Service Officer (FSO) where for the next 25 years it was my responsibility to promote friendship between the United States and various countries with very different political structures.  In my nearly seven decades’ career life, I was promoting international friendship in nearly each job I took: from FSO, to Peace Corps official, to language school owner, where my responsibilities always centered around developing friendly relations with citizens of other countries.  As a matter of fact, what stimulated me to start a new adventure — producing documentaries — was during my first trip to Vietnam when I was nicely surprised and touched by the sincere willingness of the Vietnamese people, long our fiercest enemy, to reconcile with the United States and to establish friendly relations.  To this day I still have many good friends in those countries, such as Mongolia and Vietnam.  

All my three daughters have joined me to travel internationally, not only as tourists, but also as project managers/partners, film crew members and so on.  Any of these job responsibilities always required a focus on establishing friendly relations with our local hosts and co-workers.

– Christine: traveled to Zambia to build a home for a single mother; to Mongolia to help build my language school. 

– Patricia: traveled to Senegal to help me produce a film focusing on how Senegalese women liberated themselves from frequently unhappy circumstances and happily accepted our offers of friendship; she also traveled to Mongolia with her two sons to learn Mongolian culture.

– Stefanie: traveled to Mongolia with me to become acquainted with a foreign culture and befriend local children and adults.

All my four grandchildren have traveled internationally, first with their grandparents and parents, now on their own, to see much of the world and also to learn different cultures and histories.  This is how the family legacy of promoting international friendship is being carried on. 

Nef Family Vacation – Ed & Liz with daughters, son-in-laws & grand children

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FOLLOW UP COMMUNICATION BETWEEN ED AND BILLY:

BILLY:  Inspired by What you did. Please elaborate a bit on “WHY” and “HOW”.

NEF:    In answering your question regarding “WHY” and “HOW”:

I was raised as someone who appreciates multi-cultural upbringing: a Swiss father, a Polish mother, and American upbringing, and during my lifetime living in seven countries and visiting all seven continents (including Antarctica), in addition to the Arctic.

To me, the story of Arctic explorer Alexander Mackenzie is one of the most touching stories of survival in the Arctic, based upon inter-human relations:
Circa 1790, Mackenzie was returning to his distant ship after all the other crew members had died.  He was alone and helpless, and came upon a small rescue hut built by him on his outbound journey, as a possible rescue station for the return.  He entered the hut and collapsed, thinking he was going to die very shortly.  Maybe as long as a day or so later, as he lay dying, there was a knock on the door.  In walked a native person, who happened to be in the area.  Both men were bowled over by surprise.  Of course the native person immediately set about resuscitating the dying man.  As one can imagine, presumably a bond was built between a native person and a Western explorer.  I often think of the story when I travel in remote areas. Although I never had such dramatic experiences, I did develop strong friendship with locals and appreciation of how such friendship can be incredibly important.

BILLY: I really admire your Natural Friendliness, your Exploratory Spirit, your Deliberate Efforts to Reach-out Globally, and the Effectiveness in Helping People Where It Counts Most.  To be able to relay this spirit to your descendants is especially admirable.

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By  Billy Lee 李名信   April 2020

When Covid-19 Pandemic started to spread in the United States, many universities closed and left a number of foreign students stranded. My young friend, Jackson Barkstrom , from Richmond Virginia was a Third-year student at Brown University ( Providence, Rhode Island ). He learned that two schoolmates on his Brown China Summit Committee were for some reason unable to return to their homes in China.   With consent and even strong encouragement from his Mom ( Tina ), Stepfather ( Brent ), and younger Brother ( Walker – a freshman at Brown) , he warmly offered Homestay to his stranded friends.  They are now six of them living and weathering the pandemic together as one family – not knowing how long this crisis will last.

It was through Homestays that I got to know Jackson’s family. Near the end of my Freshman Year at Yale, Jackson’s Grandfather, David Gregg III, who was on the Freshman soccer team with me, approached me and asked if I would like to room with him the following year. We became roommates for three consecutive undergraduate years 1952-1955.

During those years, I enjoyed Homestays at the Gregg’s home in Darien, Connecticut so many times I can not even remember, but I shall always remember vividly the warm and kind smiles of Mr. Mrs. David Gregg Jr., and the special earnest and attentive look of David’s younger brother, Arthur. I shall always remember the various efforts they made to keep me entertained and to teach me about the American Way of Life.

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I grew most deeply attached to Mrs. Gregg whom I affectionately called Virginia. In my mind, she became my American Mother – in many ways closer and more intimate than my natural mother in China.

Our friendship endured, grew deeper, as well as expanded to embrace more members from each side of our families. This was possible because we made efforts to keep in touch despite of David and Virginia’s passing. I think Tina now assumes Virginia’s Leadership role. Indeed, Friendship requires deliberate reaching out and helping each other. It requires true Compassion. In my view, Tina is much like Virginia.

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We remain connected with Arthur and Sarah, but became more closely connected with Tina and Jackson who in the middle of his high school years developed a special interest in China and U.S.-China Relations. Four years ago, we introduced Jackson to a 1990 Institute sponsored Project, inviting American High School students to visit China and teach English at a Chinese primary school.  Last year as a representative from Brown’s China Summit he volunteered at the 1990 Institute’s Teachers’ workshop on “CHINA TODAY” -coordinating speakers’ speaking time.

We were delighted to hear that Jackson’s Family so generously offered Homestay to two Chinese students at this very scary time. We wanted to know how they manage. The following is what Jackson wrote to me:

Dear UB, ( Uncle Billy  )

Here are two pictures from Summer and Helen’s stay. The first is Summer and I gave my brother a haircut, and the second is a photo from our dog’s birthday celebration

Summer is from Suzhou went to Mercersburg Academy in Pennsylvania (fun fact, I played her school in squash!)… she said she feels like family here and loves having two brothers. She gets along very well with our sense of humor. 

Helen is from Shanghai and went to high school in China. We recently got her addicted to our favorite type of ice cream… last week Brent ordered 12 pints of Graeter’s Ice Cream, his favorite from his Cincinnati hometown, and Helen likes it more than any of us. She ordered another 12 pints that came in the mail yesterday, and made a post endorsing it on 知乎… Graeter’s ice cream is about to be Chinese internet-famous!! Her Zhihu account is apparently very popular. 

Helen introduced us to an anime (Japanese animated tv series called Stein’s Gate) about a hilarious mad scientist and his time-traveling adventures… all four of us (Walker, Helen, Summer, me) love it and we’ve been having “anime night” every couple days. Summer, Walker, and I also recently played tennis outside, on our patio, with chairs as the net.

My brother and I taught our friends some funny dance moves (i.e. the “crab rave” and the “floss”) as well as the art of silly walking. We really enjoyed dancing that evening after my brother presented his specialty – Walker’s Portuguese egg tarts- for supper.

Overall it’s been great, we haven’t really been able to leave the house but we’ve been keeping ourselves entertained.

Cheers,

Jackon

I am so glad that they are extra innovative in finding ways to keep life joyful, but I also know that not knowing the end of the tunnel is extremely stressful. I can imagine the strain in putting up a happy face for your hosts or vise versa every moment of every day. It’s taxing. Homesick emotions sometimes cannot be restrained, and to host two foreign guests in the middle of house moving is definitely not easy. These particular friends of mine, however, will overcome all these challenges, because their COVID-19 Homestay Experience is shared and will forever be remembered with LOVE, COMPASSION, and GRATITUDE.

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When Billy Lee first asked me to write a little something on friendship, I quickly thought of my many relationships. But then I saw the differences and similarities between the two.

I have many fewer friendships than relationships, and my friendships are deeper and more powerful than my many relationships. But they do have things in common:

            Gender is not a factor in either…    

         Nor is race or nationality…

            And the time spent together doesn’t matter…

            And both can happily go on and on.

That said, it’s better to have both than neither.

A friendship can have a very simple beginning…a handshake, nod or smile. But over time, and over changing times, it becomes deeper and more meaningful for any number of reasons. In life, stuff happens; over time, a relationship can become a close friendship.

When I think back, my early friendships started at Andover. Of a list of 8 friendships I highlighted there, 4 have died, and one has Alzheimer’s. Those living remain close friends, and those we have lost are meaningful memories

The list of friendships formed at Yale has 10 names, and again, 4 are no longer alive. Some became highly recognized but, surprisingly, the friendship only got deeper. Music was a factor in some of the friendships, and art was a factor in others.

And then to highlight the impact of forming friendships at educational institutions, I recall five at Harvard Business School that made a difference in my life, or I made in theirs. One had something to do with helping me get my first professional job, a profession he also chose. Another became deeply involved in my professional life during a difficult time. One has died.

I also developed friendships with our landscape designer, art dealers, our trainer and our rental house postman. And I have close friends on Martha’s Vineyard and San Juan Island. These friendships were formed “in season” but have deepened over time. The location of the friend is irrelevant.

I had the opportunity to join three others to form our own company. The friendship between the four of us was tested during a very difficult time, but it simply got stronger and the company survived and flourished…and our relationship and friendship did, too.

The ultimate irony is that I developed a friendship with someone that I had to fire from our company. In spite of our friendship, his management style was inconsistent with the company’s culture and he had to be let go. That individual has since died but my memories of our many conversations will never be forgotten.  

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FOLLOW-UP CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN BILLY AND BOB

Billy: Please tell me more about “The Ultimate Irony”

Bob: See two attachments

Billy: Thanks. I learned the following lessons from you: 1. Be honest, sincere, yet empathetic while sorting out differences. 2. Always appreciate and respect other’s positive qualities. 3. Must reach out deliberately to ignite, embrace, and nurture Relationships and Friendships. 4. Sometimes Friendship deepens after a struggle.

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