Harvey Hacker

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As an architect, I am concerned that friendship flower in a suitable setting can do no better than to offer you the some thoughts from Thoreau’s Walden, which I happened to be re-reading when Billy posed the question: ” How about writing about What is Friendly Architecture ? “

I had three chairs in my house; one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society. When visitors came in larger and unexpected numbers there was but the third chair for them all, but they generally economized the room by standing up. It is surprising how many great men and women a small house will contain. I have had twenty-five or thirty souls, with their bodies, at once un­der my roof, and yet we often parted without being aware that we had come very near to one another.

One inconvenience I sometimes experienced in so small a house, the difficulty of getting to a sufficient distance from my guest when we began to utter the big thoughts in big words. You want room for your thoughts to get into sailing trim and run a course or two before they make their port. The bullet of your thought must have overcome its lateral and ricochet motion and fallen into its last and steady course before it reaches the ear of the hearer, else it may plow out again through the side of his head. Also, our sentences wanted room to unfold and form their columns in the interval.  Individuals, like nations, must have suitable broad and natural boundaries, even a considerable neutral ground, between them. I have found it a singular luxury to talk across the pond to a companion on the opposite side. In my house we were so near that we could not begin to hear, – we could not speak low enough to be heard; as when you throw two stones into calm water so near that they break each other’s undulations. If we are merely loquacious and loud talkers, then we can afford to stand very near together, check by jowl, and feel each other’s breath; but if we speak reservedly and thoughtfully, we want to be farther apart, that all animal heat and moisture may have a chance to evaporate If ,we would enjoy the most intimate society with that in each of us which is without, or above, being spoken to, we must not only be silent, but only so far apart bodily that we cannot possibly hear each other’s voice in any case. Referred to this standard, speech is for the convenience of those who are hard of hearing; but there are many fine things which we cannot say if we have to shout. As the conversation began to assume a loftier and grander tone, we gradually shoved our chairs farther apart till they touched the wall in opposite corners, and then commonly there was not room enough.

My “best” room, however, my withdrawing room, always ready for company, on whose carpet the sun rarely fell, was the pine wood behind my house. Thither in summer days, when distinguished guests came, I took them, and a priceless domestic swept the floor and dusted the furniture and kept the things in order.

If one guest came he sometimes partook of my frugal meal, and it was no interruption to conversation to be stirring a hasty-pudding, or watching the rising and maturing of a loaf of bread in the ashes, in the meanwhile. But if twenty came and sat in my house there was nothing said about dinner, though there might be bread enough for two, more than if eating were a forsaken habit; but we naturally practiced abstinence; and this was never felt to be an offence against hospitality, but the most proper and considerate course. The waste and decay of physical life, which so often needs repair, seemed miraculously retarded in such a case, and the vital vigor stood its ground. I could entertain thus a thousand as well as twenty; and if any ever went away disappointed or hungry from my house when they found me at home, they may depend upon it that I sympathized with them at least.

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Billy’s Comments: Harvey is a jolly witty friend. As an Architect, he is full of sympathy, as well as empathy – very creative and imaginative. Conversing with Harvey is a treat always.

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The Merriam Webster dictionary defines friend as “a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family”

But look at the way we use it. 

“I added her as a friend on Facebook but I hardly know her”

Trump: “I am friends with Kim Jong Un”

“America is great friends with Britain”

“Dogs are man’s best friend”

“I am not a friend of Turkish food”

“You’d better watch it, friend”

“He was hit by friendly fire”

“The police is every law-abiding person’s friend”

It’s even possible that friends or friendship can have different meanings at different ages. In childhood – it’s about sharing and playing. In adolescence, we begin to focus on shared values, loyalty and common interests. And in adulthood, it’s more about companionship, affection, and emotional support

What about all these other categories of friendship?

Blood brothers

Boston Marriage

Bromance

Casual relationship

Cross-sex friendship

Female bonding

Fraternization

Frenemy

Friend of a friend

Imaginary friend

Kalyana-mittata (spiritual friendship)

Male bonding

Platonic love

Social connection

Womance

The word must be significant. Looks at these great synonyms listed on slangpedia.

Dawg, chum, bestie, amigo, mate, homeboy, homie, BFF, BFFL, BFBFF, fool, chica, Chiquita, sis, ace, buddy, pal, butty, bud, hebro, bruv, blad, broseph, brother from another mother, brohan, brotato chip, my boy, my man, nizzle, b, g, cuz, cuddy, Kemosabe, goombah, weeble, star, bedren, cheesemuffin, bitch, beau, boo, booski, cutty, bull, china plate, chap, chuck, droog, duke, dun, ese, FOAF, roll dog, habib, thick, pana, compita, pisan, boet, pard, mucker, whody, tight, comrade, compadre, woe, damie, nooka, doobhead 

Perhaps – the etymology (from wiktionary) will help…..

From Middle Englishfrend, freend, from Old Englishfrēond (“friend, relative, lover”, literally “loving[-one]”), from Proto-Germanic *frijōndz(“lover, friend”), from Proto-Indo-European *preyH- (“to like, love”), equivalent to free +‎ -nd. Cognate with Saterland FrisianFrüünd(“friend”), West Frisian freon, froen, freondinne (“friend”), Dutch vriend (“friend”), Low GermanFrund, Fründ (“friend, relative”), German Freund (“friend”), Danish frænde(“kinsman”), Swedish frände (“kinsman, relative”), Icelandic frændi (“kinsman”), Gothic 𐍆𐍂𐌹𐌾𐍉𐌽𐌳𐍃 (frijōnds, “friend”). 

That’s no help. The word and its meaning have not changed since it became a word.

To really understand friendship maybe we should go back into history – way back. Friendship never had a better friend than Aristotle. He believed that friendship is clearly necessary and good, but that people disagree on its precise nature. 

Friendship, he wrote, consists of a mutual feeling of goodwill between two people.

Aristotle said there are three kinds of friendship. 

The first is friendship based on utility, where both people get some benefit from each other. 

The second is friendship based on pleasure, where both people are drawn to the other’s wit, good looks, or other pleasant qualities. 

The third is friendship based on goodness, where both people admire the other’s goodness and help one another strive for goodness.

The first two kinds of friendship are only accidental, because, he says, in these cases friends are motivated by their own utility and pleasure, not by anything essential to the nature of the friend. These kinds of friendship don’t endure because one’s needs and pleasures are likely to change over time. 

Goodness is an enduring quality, so friendships based on goodness tend to be long lasting. This friendship also includes the other two, as good friends are useful to one another and please one another. Such friendship is rare and takes time to develop, but it is the best, right? Bad people can be friends too. But only for reasons of pleasure or utility. Only good people can be friends for the benefit of each other.

You can read more about what Aristotle said about friendship here: http://classics.mit.edu/Aristotle/nicomachaen.8.viii.html

This all reminded me of the Randy Newman song made famous in “Toy Story.”If you’d like to sing along here’s a link to the music https://youtu.be/DNZUKm0ApEM

You’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me

When the road looks rough ahead

And you’re miles and miles

From your nice warm bed

You just remember what your old pal said

Boy, you’ve got a friend in me

Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me

If you’ve got troubles, I’ve got ’em too

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you

We stick together and can see it through

Cause you’ve got a friend in me

Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be

A little bit smarter than I am

Bigger and stronger too,…maybe

But none of them will ever love you

The way I do, it’s me and you, boy

And as the years go by

Our friendship will never die

You’re gonna see it’s our destiny

You’ve got a friend in me

You’ve got a friend in me

Yeah, you’ve got a friend in me

I think Aristotle would have liked “Toy Story.”

I remember a saying from a while back: “Cousins are different beautiful flowers in the same garden”. I think the saying adequately describes Auntie Yi Hua and my mother May.

Auntie Yi Hua and my mother May are cousins from two branches in the big Lee/Li forest that has many trees. They are of the same age, although my mother is four months older, which gives her the privilege of claiming the “big sister” title. They are both the oldest siblings in their nuclear families. They both received an education from missionary schools in their youth: Auntie Yi Hua from St. John’s and my mother from St. Mary’s. They both went on to have successful professional careers. Auntie Yi Hua was a translator and interpreter for the influential and powerful Chinese news authority in Beijing while my mother was an architect for a major design firm, and later with one of the most prominent developers in Shanghai.

They both are kind, people-oriented and sociable. They travel in similar circles and share same groups of friends and acquaintances. Naturally in their retirements, they tend to get together a lot with their mutual friends. Some of those friends are also relatives, whether close or extended. In recent years, they can often be found at the same dining tables during Auntie Yi Hua’s frequent and lengthy visits to Shanghai. When not physically in Shanghai, Auntie Yi Hua would make regular phone calls from the U.S.A. to chat with and check up on my mother to make sure she is fine. My mother, on the other hand, would resort to her “pony express” method of communication by corresponding with Auntie Yi Hua with letter writing from Shanghai. Regardless of the method, they would make sure to let the other know that they are in each other’s thoughts.

They both care about their ancestral heritage and are committed to serve the Lee/Li family. Whenever there were extended family functions, they were actively involved front and center. So when the local authorities of their hometown Ning Bo were building a memorial hall and a family museum for the Lee/Li family, the Lee/Li commemorative monument and the Lee/Li Music Hall at Ning Bo University, they were there to contribute whichever way they could. Being a natural leader, Auntie Yi Hua was even more instrumental in overseeing several projects to their fruition. Almost 30 years ago, Auntie Yi Hua’s mother, “Grandma #5” as many youngsters would dearly and respectfully call her, at the ripe age of 87 started to be in charge of the updating and addition to the Lee/Li genealogy book. It was a monumental task!  The original genealogy book was written in 1936. By 1991, Grandma #5 felt that many decades had gone by and new generations had been born. It was time to re-edit the genealogy book and update the information to reflect the changes. As she embarked on this remarkable endeavor, Auntie Yi Hua, my mother along with other younger relatives, offered assistance to alleviate her work load. The newly completed genealogy book is now in the hands of many Lee/Li family members, and is considered the most important document of the extended family.

Grandma #5 was a lovely and cultured lady. She was gentle, even tempered, determined and wise. She was my mother’s favorite aunt-in-law. As a child, I used to visit Grandma #5 with my mother. I can still visualize her suite on the top floor of a typical Shanghai style house. There was a wooden door at the top of the stairs before the last few flights leading up to her suite. The decor of her room was simple but elegant. She had traditional Chinese furniture throughout her suite. The walls were decorated with calligraphy and paintings from her own hands. She always seemed to be so happy to see my mother. From her warm reception, I suspected that my mother was perhaps one of her favorite nieces. At the time, Auntie Yi Hua was working in Beijing.

Later on, Grandma #5 moved to a different apartment. By then Auntie Yi Hua and her family had gone to the U.S.A. My mother’s visits to Grandma #5 continued and became more frequent as Grandma #5 got on years. During my mother’s visits, the two ladies would talk about the TV programs Grandma #5 had just watched, especially Beijing Opera. Grandma #5 would show my mother her calligraphy and demonstrate her know-how in traditional Chinese arts. She would ask about the wellbeing of some relatives she had not seen for a long time. On one occasion, my mother and another cousin of hers, Auntie Ming Fen, visited Grandma #5 at the same time. The two ladies in their 70s were discussing the stock market. They made it sound quite convoluted. Suddenly, Grandma #5, who was in her 90s, asked them a simple question about what they were talking about. The two younger ladies were dumbfounded. They could not come up with an answer. I was chuckling inside: Grandma #5 still had her wits about her!  Sometimes, my mother would bring treats to Grandma #5 knowing they were what she loved to eat. Grandma #5 would announce to other guests that “all of the most tasty and yummy food were brought to me by May”. Those visits carried on as Grandma #5 lived her peaceful life till she reached 106 years of age.

When Auntie Yi Hua and her family were in Beijing, my father, too, was working in Beijing. On weekends, my father and another cousin of Auntie Yi Hua, Auntie Elaine, would sometimes go the Auntie Yi Hua’s house for Sunday dinners. I could only imagine the lively conversations and occasional heated debates that might have occurred during those meals. For Auntie Yi Hua being a translator and interpreter at the International News Department where she had direct contact with foreign reporters and correspondents, she was the most valuable source of information on current affairs in an era when there was hardly any real news available to the masses. Yet, politics permeated every corner and affected every facet of ordinary people’s lives. Auntie Yi Hua’s husband, Uncle Harry, a mining engineer by trade, was very precise and insightful in analyzing the political landscape of the day. My father, an urban planner working in a branch of the Science Academy, was leading an idle career in an age of non-existing urban development. With the same token, he was also very much interested in political and policy issues. I suspect that many exchanges around their dining table might be of this nature or about identical themes.

Auntie Yi Hua and Uncle Harry have two daughters, Da (Large) Beijing and Xiao (Small) Beijing. As far as my recollection could reach, before I even met Auntie Yi Hua I had heard about Da Beijing and Xiao Beijing. Whenever I did not want to study hard or behaved poorly, my father, Shao Liang, would tell me stories of what top notch students and all round children Da and Xiao Beijing were. They were good at all academic subjects as well as sports. Even though they were quite a few years younger than me, I developed a well deserved inferiority complex which lasted until one day when I knocked on their door during a summer break. Da Beijing answered the door. Her parents were not at home, she said. At that time, I had already graduated from university and was working as an editor. Da Beijing was still in high school, I believe. To a 22 year old, the teenage Da Beijing looked very young. Then out walked Xiao Beijing. She looked even younger. I think it was at that moment that I overcame my inferiority complex although they have remained little role models I could never measure up to. They were, nevertheless, cute and adorable.

A couple of days ago, in search of materials for writing this article, I asked my mother if there was something she could tell me about Auntie Yi Hua during her years in Beijing. Immediately, my mother recalled a visit to Auntie Yi Hua’s home during which she played cards with Da and Xiao Beijing. Uncle Harry sent Da Beijing out to buy noodles with clear instructions. They had very strict upbringing during their formative years. My mother, on the other hand, took a laissez faire approach towards me. If I must name one big difference between Auntie Yi Hua and my mother, this has to be it.

When my grandparents were still alive, and before the Cultural Revolution, our two families had members visiting one another frequently, spending many hours together. The friendship between Auntie Yi Hua and my mother, however, has been cultivated in baby steps and over time. Like a well aged wine, it has been growing stronger as time goes on. It has culminated in the later part of their lives. They are cousins by blood but friends by choice. It is a beautiful friendship between two cousins with beautiful spirit!  

 By May’s daughter, Joy August 12, 2020

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S.Y. Wang is another one of my Li/Lee Family relatives. His mother was a Li/Lee married into this Wang family.  S.Y. is seven years my senior. thus a Big Brother and Mentor to me.  More than that , I truly consider him a Valued Friend.  When I was Young ( in my 30s) he provided me Encouragement, Sound Advice, and warm sense of Caring. Today ( I am now 88 and he 95 ), he still provides me, Feeling of Connectedness, Instant Responses to all my requests, and the Same Sense of Caring.

To me, the most remarkable traits in his character are his Intelligence, Compassion, and Trust Worthiness. “ A Man who generally prefers just few well-chosen words with thoughtful followup actions” is how I would describe him.  A recent example is when I wrote to him and asked if he will be willing to share his thoughts on my Friendship & Friendshipolgy website https://MingSingLee.com. He instantly replied that it’s difficult for him to write essays these days but I may use the attached Chinese Calligraphy a professor friend wrote for him, to guide and inspire the younger generations.

The Chinese Calligraphy S.Y. sent me :

这句话出自《关尹子•三极》：“利害心愈 明，则亲不睦；贤愚心愈明，则友不交；是非心愈明，则事不成；好丑心愈明，则物不契。是以圣人浑之。”

Translated into English :

If one is overly concerned about personal benefits vs. losses, one will not be able to relate harmoniously with one’s family.

If one over emphasizes kindness and smartness, one will find it difficult to make friends.

If one worries too much about being Correct and Perfect, the less one will be able to achieve.

If one cares too much about Looking Good, the harder it is to be in true harmony with things.

Because of this the sages advised Nothing Extreme. ( Confucius’ Middle Way philosophy )

RESUME BELOW :

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